*killua shakes his head bitterly. he can't even console himself with the thought that he'd be happier without these feelings, because he knows he won't be. he'll just go back to being empty like he was before he met gon.*

it's... it's the realization that to get rid of my jealousy, i'd have to stop loving him, too.

*he grips angrily at his knees, claws oozing from his fingertips and stabbing into him as his voice raises in self-hatred.*

why can't i just be okay with it like he is? he doesn't mind that i've got someone else too! it's not fair for me to be angry with him for getting with you...

*his claws sink in so deep they simply become a part of his knees, fingers fusing into them. perhaps if he keeps sitting here, he'll just melt away completely.*

...maybe i really am toxic.