Field in Spring (sfw) (cw: drowning)

[descendsanathema]

Kalluto's body twitches under the blankets, curled forward, arms huddled around himself.

In his dream, he sees Killua in the mirror, and he's back in his room, the reflection the same except for the two of them. Their hands are touching. Killua is asking if he's okay, if he knows where he is. Blue sparks surge as they realise there's a nearby place they can meet. The mirror isn't working, but Kalluto can get away and be safe.

A throbbing pain between his eyes. It's pure nen, a Condition he agreed to before he left them the first time. He hears Illumi's voice, hears him reacting to what they're talking about. Killua can't hear him, but Kalluto can hear them both, can't hear who Illumi's talking to, but they're coordinating. They know where Killua will be.

"A stronger needle, in the heart, not the skull this time. He controls that thing more completely than we expected."

Kalluto can't call out, there's a pressure in his throat pushing back against the air. He feels light-headed, and Killua can see. He hasn't heard any of the developments, but he can see into Kalluto's eyes. Kalluto stops, marshals his energy, uses his paper to cut, and he screams. Killua can hear it.

It's cut short by water, so much water, surging down his throat. He's knocked backwards, spluttering, then gargling, then drowning, then realises he hasn't touched the ground. He's floating in water that's pushing against him from all directions.

He forces himself to face the mirror. As his vision begins to fade, he's dimly aware that he saw an army of butlers appear out of nowhere in Killua's hotel room - Kalluto's room. He can't hear Killua's voice, but as his brother is being dragged away from the mirror, Kalluto swears he can read his lips, or there's paper that Illumi never touched that he's using to talk.

Comments

[devil_or_angle]

okay... *killua cautiously responds, tone lifting with suspicion even as he prompts his brother to continue with a slight nod. his gaze follows his raised hand, but his body's awareness is unconsciously clustered beneath the one on his lap, making it obvious to tell when, with a prickling of his skin, the other shreds of paper slip beneath the hem of his shorts and stick to his inner thigh. surprise zips up his spine and the muscle beneath kalluto's palm twitches as killua clears his throat.*

neat trick. origami comm, huh?

*by now he's already concluded that his brother planted one of these on him last time they met, probably while he was too high on catnip to notice. but since he'd never used it to speak to him, there must be another purpose to it. with dawning dread, killua mutters:*

wait... do these work both ways?

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto felt his stomach lurch, the first big drop of this roller-coaster well underway.*

They do. But I forgot about that at the time. I just cared about tracking it as En, once I figured out Illumi's piggybacking didn't work in this place.... I'm sorry.

*Kalluto curled his hand, squeezing Killua's thigh, guided by an instinct he thought he'd grown out of.*

I... didn't think I'd see you again.

[devil_or_angle]

*the indignance rising in killua is quickly curbed by the reminder that, before coming here, kalluto hadn't seen his brother for ages. it makes sense that he would be afraid of losing him and try to keep a connection to him, even one as tenuous as the tiny paper-slivers clinging to his thigh beneath kalluto's desperately clutching fingers. he's able to forgive the act, but it's what it wrought that he fears. the hand on kalluto's waist spreads and flexes nervously as he recalls what he'd done with alluka in the cat room shortly after meeting kalluto, and he avoids his gaze, swallowing thickly before asking,*

so... what'd you hear?

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto notices Killua pointedly avoid eye contact with him, and he understood immediately that Killua held no malice against him, that there was another reason. He searched deep through the hazy memories of those crackling voices, and couldn't find intent to harm there, either.*

I heard a little about what you did. In the cat room. I shorted the connection, didn't want anything to do with someone that was... so much like Illumi. With him... your body isn't yours. It's his.

*Kalluto shivered, lifting his hand off of Killua's thigh to huddle his arms against himself, shrinking his posture backwards from Killua, from everything.*

The cat room. The drugs. It was all a trap, right? Get my guard down, be sure I wasn't a threat to the life you guys have here. I can't remember what we talked about... what I divulged...

[devil_or_angle]

*as kalluto's logic takes a frightening turn, killua's heart stops cold, his fear of perpetuating his family's possessive behavior freezing his blood in is veins. he objects immediately, gaze fierce.*

it wasn't a trap. *he sighs, then, shaking his head at his own stupidity.* i was just trying to get you to loosen up a little...

*feeling him shy away, he drops his hand from kalluto's side, flattening his palm against the ground so he can sink down into his shoulders in remorse. looking back on it from kalluto's perspective, his actions did seem suspicious. he doesn't blame him for likening him to illumi, but he still balks at the comparison, scowling down across the picnic blanket.*

i know it looks bad, but i'm telling you, i'm not like him.

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto flinches as Killua cuts in, a little dazed, his train of thought halted.

As he listened, Kalluto felt something warm creep in amongst the cracks of his conclusions.

He let his hands drop, resting peacefully on his brother's thighs, draped rather than clinging.*

You're sure? I'd have... forgiven you.

*Kalluto stared at the space between his thighs, now.

I hope you can forgive me.

[devil_or_angle]

*though still a bit unnerved by the knowledge of being tracked, killua is just relieved kalluto didn’t hear what else he and alluka did on that beanbag… though he’d probably be able to smell it next time he enters the cat room. he has no idea how he’ll ever breach the subject of his intimate relationship with their sister, though it’s not like kalluto himself has much of a concept of boundaries between siblings either. he looks back up at the brother sitting pretty on his lap and gives a tch.*

you didn’t mean any harm. just believe that i didn’t either and we’re square.

[descendsanathema]

I don't think you meant it.

*Kalluto hugged Killua again, now, but sat up straight. He tilted his body forward so that their cheeks could be in line, and rubbed his against Killua, arms wrapped around him, pressing them together, regressing again to desperation to make up for lost time.*

I think we're all trying to get away from the family.

You feel nothing like him.

[devil_or_angle]

*kalluto's hair brushes killua's nose as he leans in to rub their faces together, bodies now pressed fully flush. with a swell of his chest against kalluto's, he breathes his scent into his lungs, enjoying the way the citrus notes of his perfume are punctuated by the smell of the sun soaked into him. he wraps an arm around him again and spreads his hand between his shoulders this time, spanning the spread of the blades beneath his skin.*

neither do you.

*he begins to move his hand slowly lower, walking his fingers down his brother's spine.*

i want us to be able to trust each other. can we try that?

[descendsanathema]

*Tiny aftershocks jolt along Kalluto's skin from his brother's fingertips. His eyes are still shut, not tight, but as if heavy with fatigue, and his body is becoming accustomed to Killua's presence again. Their chests press together as they both take a deep, comforting breath of the other. A memory of Killua taking care of him many years ago flashes past his awareness. Looking back, Killua was so small back then, even though Kalluto was even smaller, and slight.

Killua's question prods against this tranquility, Kalluto's thoughts sluggish at first.*

Mmm... I can... I remember... you keeping me safe. S'hazy.

I wanna try, yeah.

[devil_or_angle]

*killua gives a soft scoff, wistful with remorse.*

i failed pretty badly at that, didn't i?

*he takes another breath of kalluto's scent, plunging himself into his own patchy memories of them as children, before they'd both learned to kill. back then, he naïvely thought that if he did well in his training, kalluto might not need to be trained at all. purely wishful thinking, in hindsight. he learned it the hard way when illumi stole both his precious playmates away.*

i couldn't keep you safe, and i definitely didn't do alluka any favors...

*he rocks a little on the blanket, stroking his fingers down to the bare skin at his brother's waist, playing in the dip of his spine.*

...but i'm gonna try my best, now. here.

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto huddles in closer to Killua, the memory becoming clearer, as though it were a retort to what his brother was saying.

His brother was so tiny then, but only through the perspective of hindsight. Kalluto thought he could climb inside the hood of his brother's blue jacket, that he could hide in there away from the family.

Pressure. He felt something hitting his chest, knocking the wind out of him. Friction of the hoodie running against him, dead weight against his body, then jolting around over him.

"Go... away. I won't... move. You can't... move me. Not without... hurting me. More than they'll let you. Get lost!"

It was coughing, Kalluto knew now. Killua was coughing as he defied their older brother between being struck. Something dark and red splattered onto Kalluto's vacuous clothes - whatever he wore before the kimono lost in the aether. A deep, menacing voice, not flat like Illumi normally was.

"I'll be back for him. You'll have to sleep some time, Kil. And he'll be the one I take it out on."

Footsteps, and tears, as Killua shifted around, holding and nuzzling Kalluto.

Back in the present, Kalluto whimpered at the feeling of Killua's fingers touching him just as he remembered back then.*

You did, more often than not.

Can you... cover me with your body again?

[devil_or_angle]

cover you?

*he considers the request, the dull blush in his cheeks beginning to glow in the sunlight. they're already almost closer than he can bear, his brother forgoing the convention of personal space to cling to him like the child he still is. but in the interest of gaining his trust, he rocks on his hindquarters again and tips the two of them over onto the picnic blanket, sinking his weight onto kalluto and smothering him against his bashfully beating heart.

vertigo, stronger than the shift in gravity, spins his head as they crash down together. a deeply ingrained memory claws itself to the surface, sharp with pain and defiance. his mind has trouble piecing it together, but his body doesn't, slots around kalluto's as if they were still just three and five years old, his limbs the toughened bones protecting the soft, shivering center of his youngest brother. he stiffens against him, spine arched against the danger that isn't there, breath shuddering.*

--ah. you do remember.

[descendsanathema]

*It was a similar sort of comfort to the cat room, with elusive details dangling out of reach - the splinters of distant memories instead of a dull awareness draped with chemical haze.

As they tumbled onto the blanket, Kalluto passively sprawled, letting himself be overwhelmed, freeing the subtle tensions of his clinginess over the last few minutes.

With each breath, he felt numbed, long-standing pains float out of his body. With each thumping beat of his brother's heart, love poured in.*

Bit and pieces. Enough to make a picture.

*This was where he belonged.*

[devil_or_angle]

*deeply unsettled by the memory he's unearthed, it's harder for killua to relax, his protective instincts keeping his muscles tensed. but he can feel kalluto breathing beneath him, and he tries to measure his to match, rubbing his forehead into the picnic blanket as he nuzzles his nose into the top of his brother's head and inhales him, seeking comfort in his scent.*

[descendsanathema]

*Apart from a few sporadic twitches, reactions to memories his body had but his mind had lost, Kalluto stayed relaxed. He feels Killua's breath in the pushing of their expanding rib cage against his own, the air itself brushing up against his skin like a cool tide on a warm summer day. He focuses on nothing else but that breath, halting with dry hitches and resuming with urgent, greedy gulps. He felt complete in that sensation of Killua pulling in his essence, heart throbbing as he felt his brother slowly calming down.*

It's okay. He's not here.

*Kalluto has no idea whether he spoke that, used his power, or just thought it, willing that his brother be okay, that he gets the rest he deserves after fighting so hard for so long.*

[devil_or_angle]

*the tension drains from killua's body at his brother's calm reassurance, and he melts boneless atop him, taking up the position of clinging koala in kalluto's stead. all this time he'd been so preoccupied with his neglect of alluka in their childhood, he'd been forgetting she wasn't the only one who looked up to him, loved him, needed him. now that he has them both back, his one and only mission is clear. as he blankets his brother with his body, he vows,*

i'll protect you. no matter what.

[descendsanathema]

Keep... keep me safe...

*As Killua clung to him, Kalluto felt himself writhe, almost against his will. Shoulders and hips slowly but wildly rotated, applying well-honed flexibility, locking elbows into elbows, knees against knees, all closer to Killua's chest than the joints because of Kalluto's size, but instinctively at the correct leverage.

He moved, shivering from how his skin was tingling everywhere it was touched, the slow friction igniting like a thin meniscus of oil lit on top of a lake, serene and still under flashes of brilliance too hot and bright to bear.

His bare stomach burned in a different way, against the exposed parts of his brother's chest, poking under a shirt rumpled up by the mutually desperate clinging and touching.

He settled, finally opening his eyes, and whimpered from a reaction all over his body, tensing everything for just a moment, his skin and heart processing a chaste kiss planted on his brother's lips before he even realised what he had done.

Just like that, the tension slipped away, Kalluto almost ready to pass out.*

[devil_or_angle]

*kalluto begins to move, and for a moment killua is fully engulfed in the rush of feeling another body squirming beneath his, his nerves flaring at all their points of contact. his shirt has ridden up, and the slap of their bare skin as his brother jerks their hips together ignites a flame in his belly that sparks as their lips brush. it continues to glow inside him as he opens his eyes, heaving himself up on shaking hands and knees to look down at his limp brother beneath him, blinking in wonder at what they've begun.*

[descendsanathema]

*Never one to pant, Kalluto begins trying to catch his breath with dainty, substantial puffs through his nose. His body was pulling away from his awareness, and the discomfort at this was pooling in his stomach again, threatening to spill all through him.

He was grateful that Killua pulled back. It was so awkward immediately after Kalluto came to his senses in the buffet room. He needed more control over his body.*

Can... we can stop here, can't we?

[devil_or_angle]

*killua is panting too, less gracefully than his brother, heaving chest pumping air through parted, prickling lips.*

...of course.

*he pulls away instantly, falling back on his ankles and leaving kalluto bared to the sun above. he gulps, throat dry, and rubs the back of his neck, smoothing down the hairs that have risen there. he doesn't know where exactly they were heading before kalluto asked him to stop, but his heart is racing like it was ready to find out.*

[descendsanathema]

Thank you.

*Kalluto closed his eyes, acclimatising to the heat of the sun on his skin. He felt the absence of Killua, but that warmth helped stave off the immediate feeling of forlorn, touchstarved greed that he expected to surge into the vacuum. He felt content, instead.

It's possible, he thought, that he didn't need to stop exactly when he'd asked. But he was very sure that he had to know, so he'd feel properly safe trusting Killua with his body in the future.*

You really are nothing like him. I'm sorry for what I said earlier.

[devil_or_angle]

*killua busies himself with readjusting his shirt, smoothing it back down with a couple pats against his still-hammering heart. he glances up when kalluto speaks, or rather down, for his brother is still lying belly-up on the picnic blanket like caught prey. he gulps again at the thought, quickly averting his eyes to the balcony in the distance.*

thanks. i'd never make you do something you didn't wanna do.

[descendsanathema]

*Tilting his neck, barely keeping his head above the ground, he peered through the bottom of his eyes as Killua neatened his clothes. Now that he wasn't lost in the sensation of it all, Kalluto still felt a mixture, a variety of feelings about his brother.*

A few hours ago, I didn't think I could stand to be in the same room as you. Now I'm wondering how I'd handle us being apart.

*He let his head sag again, staring up at the sky, eyes lazily closing again, his arms tucked behind his head, completely at ease around his brother.*

But I know it's gotta happen.

*He thought about his sister, the way Killua doted on her - according to Melody - and his mother, the way she doted on himself. The way Illumi loved him, in the same sinister, possessive way as his mother. Kalluto didn't trust himself with anything - not his body, nor deciding how often he should be around people. He missed his newest family, but he probably wouldn't want to be around them all the time, either, even though he'd want to.*

You'll come find me the next time you want to see me?

[devil_or_angle]

*killua pushes to his feet with a soft huff, stretching and shaking out the tension in his body. hands settling on his hips, he cocks a brow down at kalluto, similarly bemused at how quickly things had progressed between them.*

yeah. and you come by my cabin if you want to see me. look for my name on the door.

*he’s feeling a bit antsy to get back to it right now, but rolls his shoulders languidly to disguise it as he twists toward the balcony staircase.*

or just ask melody, she’ll show you.