Field in Spring (sfw) (cw: drowning)

[descendsanathema]

Kalluto's body twitches under the blankets, curled forward, arms huddled around himself.

In his dream, he sees Killua in the mirror, and he's back in his room, the reflection the same except for the two of them. Their hands are touching. Killua is asking if he's okay, if he knows where he is. Blue sparks surge as they realise there's a nearby place they can meet. The mirror isn't working, but Kalluto can get away and be safe.

A throbbing pain between his eyes. It's pure nen, a Condition he agreed to before he left them the first time. He hears Illumi's voice, hears him reacting to what they're talking about. Killua can't hear him, but Kalluto can hear them both, can't hear who Illumi's talking to, but they're coordinating. They know where Killua will be.

"A stronger needle, in the heart, not the skull this time. He controls that thing more completely than we expected."

Kalluto can't call out, there's a pressure in his throat pushing back against the air. He feels light-headed, and Killua can see. He hasn't heard any of the developments, but he can see into Kalluto's eyes. Kalluto stops, marshals his energy, uses his paper to cut, and he screams. Killua can hear it.

It's cut short by water, so much water, surging down his throat. He's knocked backwards, spluttering, then gargling, then drowning, then realises he hasn't touched the ground. He's floating in water that's pushing against him from all directions.

He forces himself to face the mirror. As his vision begins to fade, he's dimly aware that he saw an army of butlers appear out of nowhere in Killua's hotel room - Kalluto's room. He can't hear Killua's voice, but as his brother is being dragged away from the mirror, Kalluto swears he can read his lips, or there's paper that Illumi never touched that he's using to talk.

Comments

[devil_or_angle]

*killua shakes his head before kalluto even finishes the question, assuring him it's not his fault.*

no, it was complicated before you got here. let's just say, gon's not an easy one to tie down.

*impressions of his first friend, first partner flash through his mind like snippets from a film reel. the faces of his other lovers, the adrenaline of all the times killua's had to put himself in danger to save him when he's reckless. the rustic, woodsy smell of his cabin and the ever-shifting forms of his dæmon. he takes a break from the cheesecake to lean back and sigh.*

he's... wild.

[descendsanathema]

*As his brother seems to get lost in mixed nostalgia, demolishing the cheesecake quickly, Kalluto considers that things playing out this way with Gon might have been for the best. Kalluto remembered Gon as delectably passionate, but that level of drive without discipline to hone and direct it would launch someone in all directions. He brings his face up to being level with Killua's, staring into his eyes, nuzzling and buzzing Killua's body and shoulder as it travels.*

There's got to be a happy middle ground. Between the fatalism of our family and... complete anarchy.

*Ultimately, that path was always the same - rolling down hill, following the slope of the nearest immediate sensory pleasure, rather than fulfilment. Kalluto wasn't one to talk - he had had so few oportunities to indulge his whims as he pleased, and he'd taken most of them shamelessly.*

[devil_or_angle]

...maybe one day we'll be able to find it.

*the tingling pressure of his brother's face nuzzling into him brings him back to the present, and for the first time since sitting down he takes a moment to fully appreciate his little brother's slight weight on his lap, the delicate firmness of his limbs wrapped around him and that dark, lash-lined stare. with a sun-splash of color to his cheeks, he murmurs,*

...you're awfully clingy. he got you bad, huh?

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto pouted.*

I thought I was getting him. But I don't really get what that means, exactly. It felt like I was putting on a jacket that ended up too warm, and he kept giving me mixed signals. And I don't know if I even want any of that!

*He deftly kissed Killua on the cheek, shifting his body forward a little, and craned his neck back when he pulled away, their positions very slightly closer from the neck down.*

I... I think I just want to be touched without thinking about any of that. Romance or... other stuff grown ups do. It's different if we're brothers, isn't it?

[devil_or_angle]

*though he’s relieved to hear that kalluto seemingly does not intend to become one of gon’s many lovers, what he does next has killua’s mind running in a different direction, all too aware of how close he’s quickly becoming to him.

with a subtle sway of his hips kalluto leans forward then back upon his lap, arching his spine so their stomachs press together, and killua’s flushes with heat, melting the cheesecake within. with one hand braced behind him on the picnic blanket, he tentatively reaches the other up to kalluto’s waist, heart fluttering when his fingers brush bare skin. suddenly, he realizes how much kalluto’s matured since he last saw him in his world, his years apart from killua putting them on nearly equal footing.

as his cheek tingles with the lingering touch of his brother’s lips, killua is reminded, with increasing, dizzying urgency, of the slippery slope of kisses that led his sister to ask him to be her boyfriend and then her husband — but still, he swallows his nerves, and says,*

i think so.

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto whimpered under his breath as his brother touched his back. He curled against the stimulation, his body screaming that Killua against his bare skin was too much, not enough, just right. Shy to look Killua in the eyes, now, he let his head fall gracefully onto his shoulder, his cheek brushing Killua's neck.*

Sorry. I'm used to wearing the robes and undergarments all the time. Please don't stop.

*As he spoke, Kalluto's lips brushed against Killua's neck like rocks skipping along the surface of a lake. His voice, just short of begging, was felt against Killua's skin more than it was heard.

No matter how much effort and strain was behind its momentum, all rocks must eventually sink.*

[devil_or_angle]

hey, don't push yourself.

*it alarms him how desperate kalluto seems, starved for touch but struggling to swallow it down. is this how he'd acted with gon, too? or is it different, because it's him? he finds himself, maybe selfishly, hoping the latter. curving his hand gently around his waist, he rolls the pad of his thumb back and forth along his skin, tracing the edge of a trembling rib.*

you have plenty of time to figure out what you want.

[descendsanathema]

Mhmm.

*With deep breaths, Kalluto worked his trembling down to errant, sporadic chatters. There wasn't a burning intensity any more to the after-image written by Killua's thumb.*

I missed you too, maybe more than Gon. But I can't...

*Scrunching up his face a little, Kalluto was frustrated trying to explain. Images coursed through his mind of the buffet.*

...When you're hungry, the eating is tied to the need, so you feel better. But this is just...

*He squeezes Killua tight as he can, enslaved by a lingering memory that still thinks Killua is twice his height, a piece that was just beyond the reach of his oldest brother's machinations.*

It's like I'm throwing it all down a pit where I can't see the bottom. But now... I can't not see it.

Please don't go away.

*He needed to tell Killua. Within the minute, or he never would, because he felt it getting harder and harder to push himself.*

Don't want you to leave.

[devil_or_angle]

*'missed you more than gon?' was killua not with gon, when he disappeared in the future? every time kalluto opens his lips a new riddle takes its first breath. but the immediacy of kalluto's present, urgent plea keeps killua from asking about it just yet, trying to reassure him first.*

'm not going anywhere. i promised alluka and i promise you. i'm staying here.

*his grip on him firms, hand fitting snugly around his slim waist. matured or not, the youngest zoldyck is still the most delicate of all, his weight on his lap so light he'd be liable to drift away himself if he weren't clinging to killua so urgently.*

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto relaxes, secure in his brother's grip.*

Thank you.

*Dread forms in the pit of his stomach. It gets harder and harder to even think about clearing the air with Killua, until the words are very suddenly all tumbling out of his mouth, abrupt and stilted and graceless.*

I... I need to tell you something. But it's kind of a long story and I don't know if you'll be mad and I hate turning into my Mum but please don't hate me when I tell you this even if you're mad please.

[devil_or_angle]

*as kalluto begins to babble, killua gives his waist a little pinch to ease the tension.*

relax, i won't hate you.

*his eyes then narrow sternly, but there's still a glint of playfulness in them as he warns,*

i may have to scold you a little, though. what'd you do?

[descendsanathema]

Well... it might be easier to show you how my power works first.

*Kalluto sat back, now, eyes staring right through Killua's with an intensity belied by his position plopped squarely in his brother's lap.*

...Don't tell anyone in the Troupe that I showed you, okay? They helped me a lot in developing this, and they wanted me to use it only with them.

*Just as he was motioning to begin his demonstration, he stopped what he was doing and spoke again.*

Oh, but it wasn't a Condition. Don't worry.

*He turned his torso, facing Killua's left side. One arm extended out to the sky, the other hand resting on Killua's thigh. From the short sleeve emerged a tiny piece of paper, small enough for the average person to not even see it if they were looking but well within the perception of Killua. It flew out, arcing in a spiral through the air, then jetted about with a variety of movements. Some were slow, but others were very hard to follow. At the last, it hovered above Killua's head, softly landing and in Killua's hair, snugly embedded in the fluff with a touch of Nen assistance.*

Can you hear me?

*The voice was in Killua's head, calm and clear, but from what he could see of Kalluto's side profile, his lips did not move.*

There are also three more, sent out from my other sleeve.

*He looked at what he was wearing now, self-consciously.*

Easier trick to pull with my robe's sleeves.

[devil_or_angle]

okay... *killua cautiously responds, tone lifting with suspicion even as he prompts his brother to continue with a slight nod. his gaze follows his raised hand, but his body's awareness is unconsciously clustered beneath the one on his lap, making it obvious to tell when, with a prickling of his skin, the other shreds of paper slip beneath the hem of his shorts and stick to his inner thigh. surprise zips up his spine and the muscle beneath kalluto's palm twitches as killua clears his throat.*

neat trick. origami comm, huh?

*by now he's already concluded that his brother planted one of these on him last time they met, probably while he was too high on catnip to notice. but since he'd never used it to speak to him, there must be another purpose to it. with dawning dread, killua mutters:*

wait... do these work both ways?

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto felt his stomach lurch, the first big drop of this roller-coaster well underway.*

They do. But I forgot about that at the time. I just cared about tracking it as En, once I figured out Illumi's piggybacking didn't work in this place.... I'm sorry.

*Kalluto curled his hand, squeezing Killua's thigh, guided by an instinct he thought he'd grown out of.*

I... didn't think I'd see you again.

[devil_or_angle]

*the indignance rising in killua is quickly curbed by the reminder that, before coming here, kalluto hadn't seen his brother for ages. it makes sense that he would be afraid of losing him and try to keep a connection to him, even one as tenuous as the tiny paper-slivers clinging to his thigh beneath kalluto's desperately clutching fingers. he's able to forgive the act, but it's what it wrought that he fears. the hand on kalluto's waist spreads and flexes nervously as he recalls what he'd done with alluka in the cat room shortly after meeting kalluto, and he avoids his gaze, swallowing thickly before asking,*

so... what'd you hear?

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto notices Killua pointedly avoid eye contact with him, and he understood immediately that Killua held no malice against him, that there was another reason. He searched deep through the hazy memories of those crackling voices, and couldn't find intent to harm there, either.*

I heard a little about what you did. In the cat room. I shorted the connection, didn't want anything to do with someone that was... so much like Illumi. With him... your body isn't yours. It's his.

*Kalluto shivered, lifting his hand off of Killua's thigh to huddle his arms against himself, shrinking his posture backwards from Killua, from everything.*

The cat room. The drugs. It was all a trap, right? Get my guard down, be sure I wasn't a threat to the life you guys have here. I can't remember what we talked about... what I divulged...

[devil_or_angle]

*as kalluto's logic takes a frightening turn, killua's heart stops cold, his fear of perpetuating his family's possessive behavior freezing his blood in is veins. he objects immediately, gaze fierce.*

it wasn't a trap. *he sighs, then, shaking his head at his own stupidity.* i was just trying to get you to loosen up a little...

*feeling him shy away, he drops his hand from kalluto's side, flattening his palm against the ground so he can sink down into his shoulders in remorse. looking back on it from kalluto's perspective, his actions did seem suspicious. he doesn't blame him for likening him to illumi, but he still balks at the comparison, scowling down across the picnic blanket.*

i know it looks bad, but i'm telling you, i'm not like him.

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto flinches as Killua cuts in, a little dazed, his train of thought halted.

As he listened, Kalluto felt something warm creep in amongst the cracks of his conclusions.

He let his hands drop, resting peacefully on his brother's thighs, draped rather than clinging.*

You're sure? I'd have... forgiven you.

*Kalluto stared at the space between his thighs, now.

I hope you can forgive me.

[devil_or_angle]

*though still a bit unnerved by the knowledge of being tracked, killua is just relieved kalluto didn’t hear what else he and alluka did on that beanbag… though he’d probably be able to smell it next time he enters the cat room. he has no idea how he’ll ever breach the subject of his intimate relationship with their sister, though it’s not like kalluto himself has much of a concept of boundaries between siblings either. he looks back up at the brother sitting pretty on his lap and gives a tch.*

you didn’t mean any harm. just believe that i didn’t either and we’re square.

[descendsanathema]

I don't think you meant it.

*Kalluto hugged Killua again, now, but sat up straight. He tilted his body forward so that their cheeks could be in line, and rubbed his against Killua, arms wrapped around him, pressing them together, regressing again to desperation to make up for lost time.*

I think we're all trying to get away from the family.

You feel nothing like him.

[devil_or_angle]

*kalluto's hair brushes killua's nose as he leans in to rub their faces together, bodies now pressed fully flush. with a swell of his chest against kalluto's, he breathes his scent into his lungs, enjoying the way the citrus notes of his perfume are punctuated by the smell of the sun soaked into him. he wraps an arm around him again and spreads his hand between his shoulders this time, spanning the spread of the blades beneath his skin.*

neither do you.

*he begins to move his hand slowly lower, walking his fingers down his brother's spine.*

i want us to be able to trust each other. can we try that?

[descendsanathema]

*Tiny aftershocks jolt along Kalluto's skin from his brother's fingertips. His eyes are still shut, not tight, but as if heavy with fatigue, and his body is becoming accustomed to Killua's presence again. Their chests press together as they both take a deep, comforting breath of the other. A memory of Killua taking care of him many years ago flashes past his awareness. Looking back, Killua was so small back then, even though Kalluto was even smaller, and slight.

Killua's question prods against this tranquility, Kalluto's thoughts sluggish at first.*

Mmm... I can... I remember... you keeping me safe. S'hazy.

I wanna try, yeah.

[devil_or_angle]

*killua gives a soft scoff, wistful with remorse.*

i failed pretty badly at that, didn't i?

*he takes another breath of kalluto's scent, plunging himself into his own patchy memories of them as children, before they'd both learned to kill. back then, he naïvely thought that if he did well in his training, kalluto might not need to be trained at all. purely wishful thinking, in hindsight. he learned it the hard way when illumi stole both his precious playmates away.*

i couldn't keep you safe, and i definitely didn't do alluka any favors...

*he rocks a little on the blanket, stroking his fingers down to the bare skin at his brother's waist, playing in the dip of his spine.*

...but i'm gonna try my best, now. here.

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto huddles in closer to Killua, the memory becoming clearer, as though it were a retort to what his brother was saying.

His brother was so tiny then, but only through the perspective of hindsight. Kalluto thought he could climb inside the hood of his brother's blue jacket, that he could hide in there away from the family.

Pressure. He felt something hitting his chest, knocking the wind out of him. Friction of the hoodie running against him, dead weight against his body, then jolting around over him.

"Go... away. I won't... move. You can't... move me. Not without... hurting me. More than they'll let you. Get lost!"

It was coughing, Kalluto knew now. Killua was coughing as he defied their older brother between being struck. Something dark and red splattered onto Kalluto's vacuous clothes - whatever he wore before the kimono lost in the aether. A deep, menacing voice, not flat like Illumi normally was.

"I'll be back for him. You'll have to sleep some time, Kil. And he'll be the one I take it out on."

Footsteps, and tears, as Killua shifted around, holding and nuzzling Kalluto.

Back in the present, Kalluto whimpered at the feeling of Killua's fingers touching him just as he remembered back then.*

You did, more often than not.

Can you... cover me with your body again?

[devil_or_angle]

cover you?

*he considers the request, the dull blush in his cheeks beginning to glow in the sunlight. they're already almost closer than he can bear, his brother forgoing the convention of personal space to cling to him like the child he still is. but in the interest of gaining his trust, he rocks on his hindquarters again and tips the two of them over onto the picnic blanket, sinking his weight onto kalluto and smothering him against his bashfully beating heart.

vertigo, stronger than the shift in gravity, spins his head as they crash down together. a deeply ingrained memory claws itself to the surface, sharp with pain and defiance. his mind has trouble piecing it together, but his body doesn't, slots around kalluto's as if they were still just three and five years old, his limbs the toughened bones protecting the soft, shivering center of his youngest brother. he stiffens against him, spine arched against the danger that isn't there, breath shuddering.*

--ah. you do remember.