Field in Spring (sfw) (cw: drowning)

[descendsanathema]

Kalluto's body twitches under the blankets, curled forward, arms huddled around himself.

In his dream, he sees Killua in the mirror, and he's back in his room, the reflection the same except for the two of them. Their hands are touching. Killua is asking if he's okay, if he knows where he is. Blue sparks surge as they realise there's a nearby place they can meet. The mirror isn't working, but Kalluto can get away and be safe.

A throbbing pain between his eyes. It's pure nen, a Condition he agreed to before he left them the first time. He hears Illumi's voice, hears him reacting to what they're talking about. Killua can't hear him, but Kalluto can hear them both, can't hear who Illumi's talking to, but they're coordinating. They know where Killua will be.

"A stronger needle, in the heart, not the skull this time. He controls that thing more completely than we expected."

Kalluto can't call out, there's a pressure in his throat pushing back against the air. He feels light-headed, and Killua can see. He hasn't heard any of the developments, but he can see into Kalluto's eyes. Kalluto stops, marshals his energy, uses his paper to cut, and he screams. Killua can hear it.

It's cut short by water, so much water, surging down his throat. He's knocked backwards, spluttering, then gargling, then drowning, then realises he hasn't touched the ground. He's floating in water that's pushing against him from all directions.

He forces himself to face the mirror. As his vision begins to fade, he's dimly aware that he saw an army of butlers appear out of nowhere in Killua's hotel room - Kalluto's room. He can't hear Killua's voice, but as his brother is being dragged away from the mirror, Kalluto swears he can read his lips, or there's paper that Illumi never touched that he's using to talk.

Comments

[devil_or_angle]

*killua sighs bitterly, hating the thought that kalluto can't remember anything that isn't drenched in blood. but he's right about not everything being washed away. killua recalls that tug of longing that had led him to alluka before he even knew who she was, holding her deep within his heart even after his memories had faded. perhaps kalluto resides there, too, stowed away within him when he left home. his hand drifts up to idly brush through his hair again, the sense-memory of stroking him back to sleep all those years ago clinging to his fingertips.*

...yeah. there's some things even he can't take away. he messed with your memories, too, huh?

[descendsanathema]

...take away...

*There was something about feeling his brother's embrace like this and hearing those words that pulled something painful from deep down, almost at the beginning.*

"where is he?! where did you take him??"
"Kalluto. You're off task. Please begin your training drills for this morning. You know them."
"had a bad dream...where did he go!?
"This is not sustainable. I'll have to think of something. Come here, look up to my palm..."

*Kalluto cringed, pushing his slight frame forward against Killua's in the process, and dug his face against Killua's right side, suddenly feeling like Killua's left hand was a red-hot brand, ready to sear him with sinister markings, welts and twisted scars deep inside.

He sniffed, hiccuping against Killua's ribs, now nuzzling his whole face against Killua's right arm, almost nudging it crooked to guide that hand to where Killua was brushing just before.*

..Think he did..

[devil_or_angle]

*killua startles when kalluto pulls away from his combing hand like it had struck him, the strands of his raven hair slipping out from between his fingers as quickly as he'd caught them. he's prepared to let him go entirely if he doesn't want him touching him anymore, but conversely he just digs himself deeper into him, burrowing under his other arm. he lifts it slightly, peeking under it to try and meet his brother's eyes again.*

hey, where're you going?

*his hands are held up away from him, palms open in pacification.*

c'mon, let's just talk. *he juts a thumb over his shoulder at the scattered pastry boxes on the picnic blanket.* is that cake up for grabs?

[descendsanathema]

*Awareness catches up with Kalluto's body, and his body language eases. He peers up at Killua again, making comfortable eye contact, not self-conscious any more about the tears that welled up so instantly but have dried from the bottom up.*

Help yourself. There's... caramel slice, lemon tart, triple chocolate cheesecake, some pavlova with strawberries and kiwi fruit, and... caramel mousse.

And cream.

*His mood picks up as he goes over the marked boxes, distantly concluding that the stuff that needed to not be out in the sun must have popped up back here just before Killua arrived. He was yet to experience any direct antagonism from the airship itself, so he left it comfortably unquestioned why they were all within arm's reach of them both.

Kalluto crawls into his brother's lap, almost preparing to curl up between his thighs like a sleeping puppy, but stopping himself because he was much too big, now. He faced Killua, his head resting on their shoulder, arms around him, and a knee on either side of his hips. He clung, firmly, without restricting his brother's freedom to reach for desserts.*

Sorry. I know you're not him, but...

...well, let's talk. But I don't want to move yet.

[devil_or_angle]

*killua's already reaching for the cheesecake before kalluto's finished describing the full array, but stops short when his brother crawls straight onto his lap, straddling him and wrapping his limbs around him like a baby koala. he's not sure what to make of it, his brow twitching in befuddlement before his hand tentatively continues its trajectory toward the indicated box of cake. he sits back once he's snatched it up, rearranging his legs into a wide criss-cross with more room for kalluto to sink into.*

no, it's just me. the killua you sort-of-remember.

*he doesn't blame him for shying away from a grasp, whether he likened it to illumi's or their mother's. the zoldycks aren't known for being gentle with their hands. but his hesitance to be touched contradicts this eagerness to touch in return, clinging to him like he's about to go up in smoke any second.*

well, i guess there's no way to tell if i'm the same killua you knew -- or, would have become him. *he tacks on, remembering that kalluto is from the future from their brief first conversation. slicing off a piece of the cheesecake, he carefully maneuvers it around the head over his shoulder and stuffs it in his mouth, not about to be deterred from eating no matter the position. he asks then, with his cheek full of chocolate:*

but there's also no way to tell that i'm not him, either. what's your killua like?

[descendsanathema]

I don't have... anything about that. Not really. Only what you've told me.

*He scrunches his face against Killua, more out of frustration than a desire for comfort. Taking a long, deep breath, he continues, wanting the incidental comfort to seep down into his bones.*

I saw you when Mum was telling you Gon and the others would never make it past the Testing Gates to reach you. And I saw you when you walked out with them. I didn't even speak to you either time, but I couldn't take my eyes away either. I didn't know why.

After that, I never saw you again.

[devil_or_angle]

*the motion of killua's jaw slows as kalluto tells him of the future he never lived. he's heard from others that illumi had infiltrated the exam to try and bring him home, but now he knows that he succeeded... and that gon came after him. of course.

he swallows his mouthful, lips curving in a smile as his eyes sparkle with emotion.*

gon. *his tone is soft, melancholy.* you've met him now, huh? here.

[descendsanathema]

*He sighed. The disjunction between the offshoots from the past that the airship offered, and his own present, was even more confusing in the case of Gon, because they had spoken often.*

I have met that Gon, yeah.

*With soft emphasis, Kalluto was more terse than he wanted to be, careful with his words, again wanting to safeguard how he feels. There was something his older brother said about Gon that applied to them both.*

He's... dazzling.

*Seeing how Killua's face lit up just thinking about Gon, he felt even more silly for unknowingly treading on something that he'd never understand or have for himself. In either world.*

[devil_or_angle]

yeah. he is, isn't he?

*once again, he can't keep the melancholy out of his tone, lingering wistfully on each word. he reaches for another scoop of cheesecake to choke his feelings.*

he told me you met. *he says through his next mouthful.* we're... kind of an item, or something.

*he wishes he could be more confident in that statement, but this is where the cheesecake comes in, forcing down the lump in his throat.*

it's gotten a bit... complicated.

[descendsanathema]

*It's only just now that Kalluto is picking up on Killua's tone, and he looks at Killua's face properly.

He clings tighter to Killua, a reflex driven by the question before he can even speak it.*

I heard. After the breakfast, after I'd parted ways with Gon.

*He could have sworn Melody had suggested the relationship in simpler terms. So Kalluto wondered what might have changed.*

Complicated. That's not... because of me, is it?

[devil_or_angle]

*killua shakes his head before kalluto even finishes the question, assuring him it's not his fault.*

no, it was complicated before you got here. let's just say, gon's not an easy one to tie down.

*impressions of his first friend, first partner flash through his mind like snippets from a film reel. the faces of his other lovers, the adrenaline of all the times killua's had to put himself in danger to save him when he's reckless. the rustic, woodsy smell of his cabin and the ever-shifting forms of his dæmon. he takes a break from the cheesecake to lean back and sigh.*

he's... wild.

[descendsanathema]

*As his brother seems to get lost in mixed nostalgia, demolishing the cheesecake quickly, Kalluto considers that things playing out this way with Gon might have been for the best. Kalluto remembered Gon as delectably passionate, but that level of drive without discipline to hone and direct it would launch someone in all directions. He brings his face up to being level with Killua's, staring into his eyes, nuzzling and buzzing Killua's body and shoulder as it travels.*

There's got to be a happy middle ground. Between the fatalism of our family and... complete anarchy.

*Ultimately, that path was always the same - rolling down hill, following the slope of the nearest immediate sensory pleasure, rather than fulfilment. Kalluto wasn't one to talk - he had had so few oportunities to indulge his whims as he pleased, and he'd taken most of them shamelessly.*

[devil_or_angle]

...maybe one day we'll be able to find it.

*the tingling pressure of his brother's face nuzzling into him brings him back to the present, and for the first time since sitting down he takes a moment to fully appreciate his little brother's slight weight on his lap, the delicate firmness of his limbs wrapped around him and that dark, lash-lined stare. with a sun-splash of color to his cheeks, he murmurs,*

...you're awfully clingy. he got you bad, huh?

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto pouted.*

I thought I was getting him. But I don't really get what that means, exactly. It felt like I was putting on a jacket that ended up too warm, and he kept giving me mixed signals. And I don't know if I even want any of that!

*He deftly kissed Killua on the cheek, shifting his body forward a little, and craned his neck back when he pulled away, their positions very slightly closer from the neck down.*

I... I think I just want to be touched without thinking about any of that. Romance or... other stuff grown ups do. It's different if we're brothers, isn't it?

[devil_or_angle]

*though he’s relieved to hear that kalluto seemingly does not intend to become one of gon’s many lovers, what he does next has killua’s mind running in a different direction, all too aware of how close he’s quickly becoming to him.

with a subtle sway of his hips kalluto leans forward then back upon his lap, arching his spine so their stomachs press together, and killua’s flushes with heat, melting the cheesecake within. with one hand braced behind him on the picnic blanket, he tentatively reaches the other up to kalluto’s waist, heart fluttering when his fingers brush bare skin. suddenly, he realizes how much kalluto’s matured since he last saw him in his world, his years apart from killua putting them on nearly equal footing.

as his cheek tingles with the lingering touch of his brother’s lips, killua is reminded, with increasing, dizzying urgency, of the slippery slope of kisses that led his sister to ask him to be her boyfriend and then her husband — but still, he swallows his nerves, and says,*

i think so.

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto whimpered under his breath as his brother touched his back. He curled against the stimulation, his body screaming that Killua against his bare skin was too much, not enough, just right. Shy to look Killua in the eyes, now, he let his head fall gracefully onto his shoulder, his cheek brushing Killua's neck.*

Sorry. I'm used to wearing the robes and undergarments all the time. Please don't stop.

*As he spoke, Kalluto's lips brushed against Killua's neck like rocks skipping along the surface of a lake. His voice, just short of begging, was felt against Killua's skin more than it was heard.

No matter how much effort and strain was behind its momentum, all rocks must eventually sink.*

[devil_or_angle]

hey, don't push yourself.

*it alarms him how desperate kalluto seems, starved for touch but struggling to swallow it down. is this how he'd acted with gon, too? or is it different, because it's him? he finds himself, maybe selfishly, hoping the latter. curving his hand gently around his waist, he rolls the pad of his thumb back and forth along his skin, tracing the edge of a trembling rib.*

you have plenty of time to figure out what you want.

[descendsanathema]

Mhmm.

*With deep breaths, Kalluto worked his trembling down to errant, sporadic chatters. There wasn't a burning intensity any more to the after-image written by Killua's thumb.*

I missed you too, maybe more than Gon. But I can't...

*Scrunching up his face a little, Kalluto was frustrated trying to explain. Images coursed through his mind of the buffet.*

...When you're hungry, the eating is tied to the need, so you feel better. But this is just...

*He squeezes Killua tight as he can, enslaved by a lingering memory that still thinks Killua is twice his height, a piece that was just beyond the reach of his oldest brother's machinations.*

It's like I'm throwing it all down a pit where I can't see the bottom. But now... I can't not see it.

Please don't go away.

*He needed to tell Killua. Within the minute, or he never would, because he felt it getting harder and harder to push himself.*

Don't want you to leave.

[devil_or_angle]

*'missed you more than gon?' was killua not with gon, when he disappeared in the future? every time kalluto opens his lips a new riddle takes its first breath. but the immediacy of kalluto's present, urgent plea keeps killua from asking about it just yet, trying to reassure him first.*

'm not going anywhere. i promised alluka and i promise you. i'm staying here.

*his grip on him firms, hand fitting snugly around his slim waist. matured or not, the youngest zoldyck is still the most delicate of all, his weight on his lap so light he'd be liable to drift away himself if he weren't clinging to killua so urgently.*

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto relaxes, secure in his brother's grip.*

Thank you.

*Dread forms in the pit of his stomach. It gets harder and harder to even think about clearing the air with Killua, until the words are very suddenly all tumbling out of his mouth, abrupt and stilted and graceless.*

I... I need to tell you something. But it's kind of a long story and I don't know if you'll be mad and I hate turning into my Mum but please don't hate me when I tell you this even if you're mad please.

[devil_or_angle]

*as kalluto begins to babble, killua gives his waist a little pinch to ease the tension.*

relax, i won't hate you.

*his eyes then narrow sternly, but there's still a glint of playfulness in them as he warns,*

i may have to scold you a little, though. what'd you do?

[descendsanathema]

Well... it might be easier to show you how my power works first.

*Kalluto sat back, now, eyes staring right through Killua's with an intensity belied by his position plopped squarely in his brother's lap.*

...Don't tell anyone in the Troupe that I showed you, okay? They helped me a lot in developing this, and they wanted me to use it only with them.

*Just as he was motioning to begin his demonstration, he stopped what he was doing and spoke again.*

Oh, but it wasn't a Condition. Don't worry.

*He turned his torso, facing Killua's left side. One arm extended out to the sky, the other hand resting on Killua's thigh. From the short sleeve emerged a tiny piece of paper, small enough for the average person to not even see it if they were looking but well within the perception of Killua. It flew out, arcing in a spiral through the air, then jetted about with a variety of movements. Some were slow, but others were very hard to follow. At the last, it hovered above Killua's head, softly landing and in Killua's hair, snugly embedded in the fluff with a touch of Nen assistance.*

Can you hear me?

*The voice was in Killua's head, calm and clear, but from what he could see of Kalluto's side profile, his lips did not move.*

There are also three more, sent out from my other sleeve.

*He looked at what he was wearing now, self-consciously.*

Easier trick to pull with my robe's sleeves.

[devil_or_angle]

okay... *killua cautiously responds, tone lifting with suspicion even as he prompts his brother to continue with a slight nod. his gaze follows his raised hand, but his body's awareness is unconsciously clustered beneath the one on his lap, making it obvious to tell when, with a prickling of his skin, the other shreds of paper slip beneath the hem of his shorts and stick to his inner thigh. surprise zips up his spine and the muscle beneath kalluto's palm twitches as killua clears his throat.*

neat trick. origami comm, huh?

*by now he's already concluded that his brother planted one of these on him last time they met, probably while he was too high on catnip to notice. but since he'd never used it to speak to him, there must be another purpose to it. with dawning dread, killua mutters:*

wait... do these work both ways?

[descendsanathema]

*Kalluto felt his stomach lurch, the first big drop of this roller-coaster well underway.*

They do. But I forgot about that at the time. I just cared about tracking it as En, once I figured out Illumi's piggybacking didn't work in this place.... I'm sorry.

*Kalluto curled his hand, squeezing Killua's thigh, guided by an instinct he thought he'd grown out of.*

I... didn't think I'd see you again.

[devil_or_angle]

*the indignance rising in killua is quickly curbed by the reminder that, before coming here, kalluto hadn't seen his brother for ages. it makes sense that he would be afraid of losing him and try to keep a connection to him, even one as tenuous as the tiny paper-slivers clinging to his thigh beneath kalluto's desperately clutching fingers. he's able to forgive the act, but it's what it wrought that he fears. the hand on kalluto's waist spreads and flexes nervously as he recalls what he'd done with alluka in the cat room shortly after meeting kalluto, and he avoids his gaze, swallowing thickly before asking,*

so... what'd you hear?